Silent Tears in Calgary

Dear Lord, the snow outside my window keeps falling, masking the silence of this apartment. I am thousands of miles away from my family in Iloilo, and tonight, the weight of the distance feels like it might break my spirit. I am here working as a caregiver, missing my daughter’s graduation and the smell of my Tatay’s cooking. Why does sacrifice have to feel like losing pieces of myself? Every time I send a remittance, I wonder if the money is truly worth the years I am missing with them.

I look at the photos on my phone and I feel like a stranger in my own home. My daughter has grown so much, and I fear that when I finally return, she will only see me as a bank account, not a mother. Do You even see me here in this cold country? I try to pray, but my words feel like they hit the ceiling and fall back down. Have You forgotten the promises I made to myself about coming back home?

What do I do when the exhaustion of shift work is matched only by the exhaustion of my heart? I feel like I am drifting further and further away from everything that once defined me. I just need to know You are there in the silence, because right now, all I hear is the hum of the heater and the sound of my own weeping.

A daughter who is fading away, Lourdes